when labels are not only for products.

the sIn in question is the one that happens everywhere.
the only question is jusT whether you are aware of its size or not.
if you have a pretty visual memory, you might realise that it has already been all around you since the day you were born. it is what makes you think that all Muslims are terrorists, all the daughters and sons of rich datins are spoilt brats while all men that wear serban are kolot.

i used to be one of tHem sinners too.
when i was a kid, i used to think that all bald men are bad guys whose favoUrite pastime is to kidnap girls.
when i was a bit oldeR, i looked at the women who wear very short skirts and thought that they are gold diggers. you know, the type thaT your nosy neighbours gossip about having sugar daddies.
today, i might still be one of them without me truly realising it. aStaghfirullah...
but now that i'm known as a future English teacher who had just came back from what people as "tempat mat saleh," i also understand better how it feels like when you are one that is being sinned against.

people have been asking me and my friends that annoying qUestion "ni ingat bahasa melayu lagi tak?"
and then there's the head-to-toe stare of disguSt.
there's also the hurtful accusation, "ni lah contoh orang tak kuat jati diri ni, dok agungkan bahasa asing je ye, girl"
and even a question of "kamu tahu sembahyang ka? mesti tak pernah sembahyang kan ni?"
all of which me and my friends tried hard to shoo away by awkward friendly smiles and light head shakes or merely blank stares down to the floor.

which leads me to think,
what is it about mat sallehs really that makeS people think that ALL of them are bad guys bringing bad influences tO others?
what is it about the speakers of English that makes people think that ALL of them lupa diri and do not practise their beliefs?
what is it about rich faMilies that makes people think that they are ALL mean and downright self-centred?
what is it aboUt people that makes they think ALL Muslims are terrorists?

and so, the big question arises:
"what is it about humans that makes them opt to do this sin?"

having an experienCe of being in an environment where the majority is mat sallehs allows me to see for myself that not all of tHem are as what we thought they all are. not each and everyone of them live their days by the hedonistic belief - sleep all day, party all night. you know, the one which we call 'budaya kuning' in short. and even if some of them still are, i could still see that most of them are no worse than most of us - they still have their own faithS which they hold on to, morals which they live by, values which they believe in and responsibilities which they try tO fulfill everyday. and even if some of them really are what we thought they are, we should not forget that we are in no way so much better than they are. we actually do not have to look that far to see that 'budaya kuning' has been around some of us all along, here on our green grass. and this eventually taught me that not all bald are kidnaPpers and wearing very short skirts do not necessarily make one a pisau cukur.

i guess the point that i'm trying to make is that we seem to love putting labeLs on other people so much till a day comes when we start defining everyone by the labels that we gave thEm, not by what they really have to offer, not by who they really are. the labels make us forgot that we are not all blAck and all white. although some of us may seem identical, sometimes we have to remember some may be white while otherS might be black, red or even blue. some might be colourless, some might even hide their true colours whilE others even wear different colourS every minute.

whatever colours thaT there are, dOn't let the labels blind you.
better yet, straP off the labels altogether.
at least, we'll have one less sin in the world.

hypothesis orang gila

ever watched movies with a psychotic character in it?
if you are aware of it (of course you are), most of the times, the psychotic characters would usually be the last one to die.
it would take many body-kicking and stabbings before they are knocked down onto the ground, and after all that, sometimes they still manage to get up and ghostly chase after their victim(s).
only when your fingernails has grown a good two inches that it finally hits the big final scene and the psycho is officially dead...
or is just out of sight, again.

ever wondered why is it so?
firstly, of course, to make the movie duration lengthier and to make us bite our long-grown nails and scream more.
but i've asked google, and he said this thing really happens in the world.
"though some may be fearful, psychopaths do appear to be sang-froid and have higher pain threshold than normals."
worst case scenario, they may even enjoy the pain.

so i have this hypothesis.
psychotic people, being what they are, are unable to distinguish between "what's real" and "what's not".
and this has enabled them to think and act beyond rationality - they can develop a denial of pain inflicted on them, especially when they have a solid reason to stay alive.
clinical researches reveal that although feeling pain is a biological process, the brain's perception of the pain and one's emotions can moderate or intensify it.
so, eventhough the psychos' nerves shout "THIS IS PAINFUL!!!", their irrational thinking makes nothing can kill them that easily.
as long as they're still not dead, they are 'invincible.'

here's a valuable lesson we can learn from them.
no, I'm not asking you to be one of them,
but be like them.
they have proved that our brains have the capability to make us stronger than we really are, so why not make a good use of it?
in doing anything, have your mind (and heart) over matters.
once you have a really strong desire and determination, you'll be able to do anything you want, by God's will.
be psycho-like irrational, in a good sense, so that not even a big tornado can easily bring you down.
don't ever give up too easily and say "I can't stand this anymore,"
or else, you'll disappoint yourself before time, before you should even be disappointed.
get up after every tears and pitfalls until the day you die.
remember, we can be stronger than we really are, so don't settle for the least, thinking that you are weak.
If they can, why can't you?

pointless post

cakap frequent visits await.
tp habuk pun tarak.
otak bercelaru sikit.
byk sgt benda fikir
tp xtaw apa benda.
too much negativity faced here
sampai sakit otak.
friends are the only ones that make me smile.
oh i miss UK.
and maikel roishin katy.
nak cepatcepat balek rumah.

see, haven't i told you this is a pointless post?

frequent visits await.

because i need to start writing again.

because i have so much to talk about.

hope i won't forget you.

a crowd.
the darkness.
the family.
the sisters.
the regret.
the stars.
that man.
falling stars.
the glass.
the cries.
the chaos.
the wait.
that escape.
"is this it?"
the end.

prioritizing...

is about doing what you need to do first,
then only the things that you want to do.
some people just need to learn that
and one of them is me.

not at rest.

my heart and my mind do not seem at rest today,
and i just don't know why.
a lot of thinking has been going on since i woke up.
about home,
the assignments,
things to be done,
the future,
the past,
my life,
others,
questions,
answers
and other things that are thinkable by my mind.
the thoughts become jumbled up
and are never-ending.
too much thinking isn't good and i know that,
like a Chinese proverb reads:
"do not cross the bridge until you reach it."
so i tried to do other things
i tried to distract myself
but they just don't steer clear from my mind.
O Allah, I seek refuge in You from anxiety.
Grant me peace of mind, O The Beneficent.



Post Scriptum: thank you (:

time flies.

how time flies
it was just like yesterday
since the day i first came here
now it seems like tomorrow
is my last day here.

how time flies
so little time left
i have to forget the things i want to do here
so little time left
yet i still have a long need-to-do list.

time flies
so fast
but it won't just stop running to wait for you
so it is you who have to chase him.


have to be productive,
the non-productive me.

bila rasa nak buat jahat.

hatiku mahu menjerit:

"hoi jgn wat jahat laa!

ni mesti kije syaithon ni kan?

syaithon, lari kau jauh jauh!

jangan kacau aku!"

tapi kemudian aku terfikir:

"syaithon mmg xkan lari.

dah mmg tu kerjanya.

kerja aku, jangan kalah dengan dia.

mungkin aku yg kena jd lebih kuat."


kan Allah sendiri dah cakap:

"Verily, Satan hath no power 
over those who believe and put trust in their Lord. 
His power is only over those who make a friend of him, 
and those who ascribe partners unto Him (Allah)." (16: 99-100)

kena jadi lagi kuat.

kena kukuhkan iman.

jangan jadikan dia kawan.

semoga makin kuat.

sad, isn't it?

my language is becoming poorer everyday.

my vocabulary is the opposite of widening.

my writing now becomes boring. really, really boring.

how can you be a good English teacher
if you yourself is insecure of your own language competency?

i regret choosing to stop writing after my foundation years.

and not making any effort to improve my language since.

boo you, fatin.

from now on, no matter how busy or lazy i am, i'll  always try to make time to read.

then to at least write something. just anything.

i believe daily reading won't be a problem much.

but daily writing is a tough aim.
so maybe weekly.

if i can't make it, then fortnightly.

if i still can't make it, then monthly.

if it's still so hard, then i have nothing more to say.

moga kau tabah

dear you,


innalillah..

i know
it won't be easy
for you and your family.

i know
i can't say i understand
'cos i've been nowhere near you.

i know
no words
may bring you comfort
nor can do you justice
in a situation like this.

but i also know
that He only tests those who He loves
He only tests those who can get through the tests
and that there is always rainbow after the rain
verily, with hardship, there is relief.

so i pray
that you'll be strong
and never lose hope
in your life
and in His plans.

and i pray
that you'll keep on standing
for Him, for yourself
and him whom you'll meet in the hereafter,
by His willing.

my prayers will always be with your dad, you and your family.

alfatihah to Allahyarham Mohd Fuad bin Ahmad.

Parlez-vous Français ?

i remembered last term (was it last term?)
we learned about bilingualism.
to be honest, i can't really remember what the module was about.
but i could still remember the feeling everytime i came across the word bilingualism at that time.

since i was this cute (teehee) little girl,
i had always wanted to learn foreign languages badly.
very badly.
yes, it is one of my dreams.
but up until now, i still haven't managed to have a go at it.

i did join an Arabic class during my dark-blue-pinafore years,
 but it was only for a month. it was like thousand years ago.
and we learned words that we barely use everyday.
so of course, i can barely remember any of them.

then i was excited when i was about to enter my secondary school
because i thought that i would finally have that chance,
since it is a boarding school.
but no, i didn't.
there was a subject for Arabic when i was in Form 1 and 2,
but as far as i can remember, it was more like introduction to Jawi than lessons about Arabic. so it was not that helpful.

and now, here. before i arrived here, i was like,
"this is it! my chance to learn foreign language is finally here!"
but again, for the thousandth time, i was disappointed.
there is no subject on foreign languages here.
however they did give me (false) hope
when they asked us to choose the foreign languages
that we would like to learn this year,
but there was no further news since then. *sigh*

so when we learned about bilingualism last term,
the drive to fulfill this dream comes attacking me again.
i really, really want to fulfill this desire -
to learn foreign language(s).
i had even google-ed some online foreign language classes.
yes, that's how desperate i was.
i even have a long list
of foreign languages that i would like to learn.
first is Arabic, followed by French and Chinese (maybe Mandarin).
next is Spanish, then Japanese.
okay. maybe only Arabic and French.
or Arabic and Spanish. or just all of them. haha!
ok i know that this is a very long list
and it is nearly impossible and unrealistic to be competent in all.
but you should also know that it's really hard to choose only one
when you had always wanted to learn foreign languages.

so then i thought that once im back in Malaysia,
i will carry on with this plan no matter what it takes, by God's willing.
maybe after i start working.
it won't be easy, i know.
but i really want to go through that experience -
the joy and the pain of learning foreign language.
so please pray for me, yar?


Post Scriptum:
isn't this the most beautiful thing alive?
oui,  im talking about him speaking french. oh so beautiful!

learn French fast, Fatin. so u can flirt with him.

erkk?? nawaitu sudah lari nih! :P

ya Allah

i wish i can be back home too )':

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

give me strength ya Allah

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

pls make me realise that crying

won't change anything ya Allah

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

don't ever let me stop praying

to You ya Allah

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

have mercy on us ya Allah

ya Allah

i really wanna be home now )':

but the condition doesn't let me to.

maybe this is the best for me.

yes He knows best.

p/s: smoga Allah melindungi keluargamu, dan keluargaku juga. amin...

the rocks.

dear myself and all who matters,


when you thought that you reached the mountain top

the smiling birds are your only companies

and the ground was silky satin,

rocks came and hit you hard.

they flew out of nowhere, along with fiery dust

chasing you and your jelly bones

till you tripped and you fell and you twisted
leaving you scared and scarred.

and the rocks
were still after you.

you turned to the silky satin for cover

but you forgot it was no longer yours

the coarse rug is all that there was

scratching your frame with blades of pain.

and the rocks

were still after you.

the great mountain collapsed into black sand

sucking you in with its every breath

dragging you drown and hugging you tightly

pinning your heart till it begged to explode.

and the rocks

were still after you.

you shivered in fear

screamed in pain

cried in agony

whimpered in terror

until you're finally paralyzed.

but the rocks

oh yes, the rocks

they were still after you.

you finally stopped running

because you no longer could

and you closed your eyes

because that was all you could.

you looked at the dark sky

finally reaching for dear hope

and whispered to your soul

searching for dear strength.

the rocks

were still hurting you

the silky satin

was still long gone

the mountain top

was still not visible

but at least

at least you knew

you still lived.

the big D

dear Big D,

Alhamdulillah.

you're finally here.

finally here.

can't exactly explain how i feel

now that you're here.

fully satisfied?

not really sure about that.

regretful?

not that either.

maybe just pure relief.

i eventually managed to bring you to life

despite months of tension

endless mind blocks

numbers of procrastination

return journeys to the library

the love-hate relationships with piles of written papers

some skipped breakfast and proper sleeps

screams of desperation

the maintenance of forced efforts

the nearly-fainted moments

and other things that i wish not to can't remember.
so i guess, i am truly relieved after all.

see this? that is only on my bed. you haven't seen the mess that you bring to my life.

 yes, somehow i'm very happy that you're finally here

as a dedication to my dear family

future family, future students

and everyone else whom I love.  

alhamdulillah (:

all thanks to Him.
and to everyone else
who helps me to bring you here.

please take good care of yourself

now that you're on your own

for your Judgement Days.

and please remember

my prayers are always with you

hoping that you'll be safe and sound.

so please come back fast

and bring a good news

or at least a bearable one.

sincerely,

the one who is eagerly waiting for you

but will never miss you.

Sapir-Whorfian Hypothesis

"An individual perceives the world through his language."

This is somehow true to some extent. our idiolect really is one of the factors that shapes our thinking and enables us to understand the world.

This also reminds me to the Dystopian novel "1984". I guess Orwell got his idea for Newspeak from this hypothesis.

(image from unknown source)

a rewind: 2011 in a nutshell

Mr. Blog dearie,

2011 had taught me a lot of things. many things had been going on in my life that year. some are good, some are bad. here are only some of them that i can remember and that i wish to jot down.

january-february

was quite struggling to cope with my life because i was having... err, let's call it emotional breakdown, something i brought from the end of the year before. was a bad one and went on for quite some time.

march-may

gradually, alhamdulillah, i managed to take control of my life again. felt so stupid for letting it affected me so much before, to be honest. i learned what should be on my priority and what was not. i became happier and life got better since then. i become closer to Him and the ones around me alhamdulillah. i managed to focus more on my studies.

i started eBay selling, out of interest and longing for extra money. love everything about it except the making-the-listing part.

a peek at my listing heheh.

went to Clarks village. shopping time!

june-july

i became happier and happier, alhamdulillah. why? let's just say, i found another piece of my life puzzle. teehee, pardon the metaphor (;

summer break came. i went back to malaysia. hoyeah, home! it was so exciting to meet the dear family again, after a year away from them. it was such a lovely feeling to get to spend my holiday home, to be with them.

the king and queen of my heart (:

mama and adek.

with kayra.

with adek, who apparently looks like my kakak T_T

tatih-ing iris.

being silly with sis hahah.

got to say 'hi' to Malaysian food again.

introducing, laksa Sarawak with udang galah. noms!

steamboat with loves.

my favourite Thai restaurant.

makan2 masa Kuching blackout.

on my birthday, i went back kampong. it was just for a week. it was reallyyyy fun but i'm sad i didn't managed to meet everyone ): ate lots of durian. nomnom. now why did i write about durians? i want one now! oh and it was my first time going to the orchard. fun time it was.

me being excited on my first time being in the orchard.

and look at what we got :O

celebrated my bday at kampung, with my Chessu's fiance (then-boyfriend) named Farid,

hence the "2F"

some of my dear relatives (:

came back home a week after.

august-september

Marhaban ya Ramadhan (:

our family was tested. it was a hard time for all of us. there was not a dry eye in the house. but Allah is always there. so we turn to Him.

Eid Ul-Fitr came. as happy as we were to welcome the blessed days and the Sarawak layer cakes and raya cookies, it was the most heart-touching Eid ever.

family portrait (:

salam menyalam.

kueh raya. we made it together.

went ziarah.

summer holiday came to an end. i had to fly back to the UK )’: it was hard to leave the family that time. in fact, i felt like i wanted to stay. but i know i can’t.

it's hard to leave them. and the one behind this pic.

and them. and the one behind this pic too.

so im back to marjons. once arrived, i had homesick. thank God, dear friends are there. they are the only ones that made me look forward to go back to marjons.

i had some serious jet-lagged moments. serious, serious ones. never before i had jet lag that bad. and that was how my third year of degree began.

october

classes again! was quite blur after 3-month break and the subjects were quite 'thrilling'. Materials and Methodology II, we have to analyse coursebooks and stuff. and LED, study the educational policies of some countries. Then, an elective on Shakespearean Drama. i think that was the elective that i enjoyed most. i love the peculiarity of his plays, what with the horror and terror and weird comedy stuff.

then came the least favourite part, dissertation! gahhhh makes me dizzy.

had swimming classes! well, sort of. iylia was the swimming teacher. i think i was her worst student. i just can't float. I only managed to (slowly) swim after several visits to the pool with dear friends. Alhamdulillah. but i still don't think that i can really float enough. weird eh? haha.

then the allowance was in. at the same time, the house rent payment naik! sad, sad ):

i was terribly homesick. i missed my loved ones in malaysia. was worried sick about what was going on at home ):

got a new housemate from Nigeria.

got good news from Roisin: quite good marks last term Alhamdulillah ((:

then, came the reading week. so my friends and i made use of the time to read books wander around warrington, liverpool and manchester and london! teehee...

the gang.

dapat cert wooo...

i love the view here.                                      

Old Trafford yaw.

with the girls at the boys' favourite place.

count how many smiles in this pic. haha.

 met Obama too! :O

november

Eid Ul-Adha came. was a bit homesick because I was away from home to celebrate it with my darling family but not so much because dear friends over here are such sweethearts (: we cooked some dishes and celebrated it together till I didn’t realised that it really feels like I’m in Malaysia.

the juadah. noms.

 here's the desserts plak. noms some more.

 the girls yg ayu ayunya pun.

with lovely roommies ((:

taught some british students to speak basic Malay language in a short ‘lesson’, together with clare, ain, and farah. such an invaluable experience.

Went back to school for another school-based experience. All I can say is that it was my worst experience of SBE.

had a getaway to mount edgecombe. Such a beautiful scenery! insyaAllah we’re planning to go back there some time later, when winter is finally over.

on the way to the island.

Subhanallah... wonderful scenery, no?

green is beautiful.

i love garden maze!

 teehee.

 who needs picture frame now?

december

december was lame. not much was going on. sure, i was on christmas holiday and yes, i was happy there were no classes. but the holiday was no longer a holiday because of the assignments and dissy. gahh.

the only event that was fun is boxing day. oh. and the makan-makan for new year. that's it, i think.

and back home, things got a little better. all praises to Him.

yes, many things had been going on in my life last year. some good, some bad. but because of that, it was a year that makes me feel like I'm almost a grown up. and i thank God for that. i thank God for 2011.

Post Scriptum: some pictures courtesy of dear friends.