ya Allah

i wish i can be back home too )':

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

give me strength ya Allah

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

pls make me realise that crying

won't change anything ya Allah

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

don't ever let me stop praying

to You ya Allah

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

have mercy on us ya Allah

ya Allah

i really wanna be home now )':

but the condition doesn't let me to.

maybe this is the best for me.

yes He knows best.

p/s: smoga Allah melindungi keluargamu, dan keluargaku juga. amin...

the rocks.

dear myself and all who matters,


when you thought that you reached the mountain top

the smiling birds are your only companies

and the ground was silky satin,

rocks came and hit you hard.

they flew out of nowhere, along with fiery dust

chasing you and your jelly bones

till you tripped and you fell and you twisted
leaving you scared and scarred.

and the rocks
were still after you.

you turned to the silky satin for cover

but you forgot it was no longer yours

the coarse rug is all that there was

scratching your frame with blades of pain.

and the rocks

were still after you.

the great mountain collapsed into black sand

sucking you in with its every breath

dragging you drown and hugging you tightly

pinning your heart till it begged to explode.

and the rocks

were still after you.

you shivered in fear

screamed in pain

cried in agony

whimpered in terror

until you're finally paralyzed.

but the rocks

oh yes, the rocks

they were still after you.

you finally stopped running

because you no longer could

and you closed your eyes

because that was all you could.

you looked at the dark sky

finally reaching for dear hope

and whispered to your soul

searching for dear strength.

the rocks

were still hurting you

the silky satin

was still long gone

the mountain top

was still not visible

but at least

at least you knew

you still lived.

the big D

dear Big D,

Alhamdulillah.

you're finally here.

finally here.

can't exactly explain how i feel

now that you're here.

fully satisfied?

not really sure about that.

regretful?

not that either.

maybe just pure relief.

i eventually managed to bring you to life

despite months of tension

endless mind blocks

numbers of procrastination

return journeys to the library

the love-hate relationships with piles of written papers

some skipped breakfast and proper sleeps

screams of desperation

the maintenance of forced efforts

the nearly-fainted moments

and other things that i wish not to can't remember.
so i guess, i am truly relieved after all.

see this? that is only on my bed. you haven't seen the mess that you bring to my life.

 yes, somehow i'm very happy that you're finally here

as a dedication to my dear family

future family, future students

and everyone else whom I love.  

alhamdulillah (:

all thanks to Him.
and to everyone else
who helps me to bring you here.

please take good care of yourself

now that you're on your own

for your Judgement Days.

and please remember

my prayers are always with you

hoping that you'll be safe and sound.

so please come back fast

and bring a good news

or at least a bearable one.

sincerely,

the one who is eagerly waiting for you

but will never miss you.

Sapir-Whorfian Hypothesis

"An individual perceives the world through his language."

This is somehow true to some extent. our idiolect really is one of the factors that shapes our thinking and enables us to understand the world.

This also reminds me to the Dystopian novel "1984". I guess Orwell got his idea for Newspeak from this hypothesis.

(image from unknown source)

a rewind: 2011 in a nutshell

Mr. Blog dearie,

2011 had taught me a lot of things. many things had been going on in my life that year. some are good, some are bad. here are only some of them that i can remember and that i wish to jot down.

january-february

was quite struggling to cope with my life because i was having... err, let's call it emotional breakdown, something i brought from the end of the year before. was a bad one and went on for quite some time.

march-may

gradually, alhamdulillah, i managed to take control of my life again. felt so stupid for letting it affected me so much before, to be honest. i learned what should be on my priority and what was not. i became happier and life got better since then. i become closer to Him and the ones around me alhamdulillah. i managed to focus more on my studies.

i started eBay selling, out of interest and longing for extra money. love everything about it except the making-the-listing part.

a peek at my listing heheh.

went to Clarks village. shopping time!

june-july

i became happier and happier, alhamdulillah. why? let's just say, i found another piece of my life puzzle. teehee, pardon the metaphor (;

summer break came. i went back to malaysia. hoyeah, home! it was so exciting to meet the dear family again, after a year away from them. it was such a lovely feeling to get to spend my holiday home, to be with them.

the king and queen of my heart (:

mama and adek.

with kayra.

with adek, who apparently looks like my kakak T_T

tatih-ing iris.

being silly with sis hahah.

got to say 'hi' to Malaysian food again.

introducing, laksa Sarawak with udang galah. noms!

steamboat with loves.

my favourite Thai restaurant.

makan2 masa Kuching blackout.

on my birthday, i went back kampong. it was just for a week. it was reallyyyy fun but i'm sad i didn't managed to meet everyone ): ate lots of durian. nomnom. now why did i write about durians? i want one now! oh and it was my first time going to the orchard. fun time it was.

me being excited on my first time being in the orchard.

and look at what we got :O

celebrated my bday at kampung, with my Chessu's fiance (then-boyfriend) named Farid,

hence the "2F"

some of my dear relatives (:

came back home a week after.

august-september

Marhaban ya Ramadhan (:

our family was tested. it was a hard time for all of us. there was not a dry eye in the house. but Allah is always there. so we turn to Him.

Eid Ul-Fitr came. as happy as we were to welcome the blessed days and the Sarawak layer cakes and raya cookies, it was the most heart-touching Eid ever.

family portrait (:

salam menyalam.

kueh raya. we made it together.

went ziarah.

summer holiday came to an end. i had to fly back to the UK )’: it was hard to leave the family that time. in fact, i felt like i wanted to stay. but i know i can’t.

it's hard to leave them. and the one behind this pic.

and them. and the one behind this pic too.

so im back to marjons. once arrived, i had homesick. thank God, dear friends are there. they are the only ones that made me look forward to go back to marjons.

i had some serious jet-lagged moments. serious, serious ones. never before i had jet lag that bad. and that was how my third year of degree began.

october

classes again! was quite blur after 3-month break and the subjects were quite 'thrilling'. Materials and Methodology II, we have to analyse coursebooks and stuff. and LED, study the educational policies of some countries. Then, an elective on Shakespearean Drama. i think that was the elective that i enjoyed most. i love the peculiarity of his plays, what with the horror and terror and weird comedy stuff.

then came the least favourite part, dissertation! gahhhh makes me dizzy.

had swimming classes! well, sort of. iylia was the swimming teacher. i think i was her worst student. i just can't float. I only managed to (slowly) swim after several visits to the pool with dear friends. Alhamdulillah. but i still don't think that i can really float enough. weird eh? haha.

then the allowance was in. at the same time, the house rent payment naik! sad, sad ):

i was terribly homesick. i missed my loved ones in malaysia. was worried sick about what was going on at home ):

got a new housemate from Nigeria.

got good news from Roisin: quite good marks last term Alhamdulillah ((:

then, came the reading week. so my friends and i made use of the time to read books wander around warrington, liverpool and manchester and london! teehee...

the gang.

dapat cert wooo...

i love the view here.                                      

Old Trafford yaw.

with the girls at the boys' favourite place.

count how many smiles in this pic. haha.

 met Obama too! :O

november

Eid Ul-Adha came. was a bit homesick because I was away from home to celebrate it with my darling family but not so much because dear friends over here are such sweethearts (: we cooked some dishes and celebrated it together till I didn’t realised that it really feels like I’m in Malaysia.

the juadah. noms.

 here's the desserts plak. noms some more.

 the girls yg ayu ayunya pun.

with lovely roommies ((:

taught some british students to speak basic Malay language in a short ‘lesson’, together with clare, ain, and farah. such an invaluable experience.

Went back to school for another school-based experience. All I can say is that it was my worst experience of SBE.

had a getaway to mount edgecombe. Such a beautiful scenery! insyaAllah we’re planning to go back there some time later, when winter is finally over.

on the way to the island.

Subhanallah... wonderful scenery, no?

green is beautiful.

i love garden maze!

 teehee.

 who needs picture frame now?

december

december was lame. not much was going on. sure, i was on christmas holiday and yes, i was happy there were no classes. but the holiday was no longer a holiday because of the assignments and dissy. gahh.

the only event that was fun is boxing day. oh. and the makan-makan for new year. that's it, i think.

and back home, things got a little better. all praises to Him.

yes, many things had been going on in my life last year. some good, some bad. but because of that, it was a year that makes me feel like I'm almost a grown up. and i thank God for that. i thank God for 2011.

Post Scriptum: some pictures courtesy of dear friends.

Dads give the best advice

Once, I told Papa about a module that I took this term - Shakespearean Drama.

I told him that I love it but I'm struggling so much because we need to finish reading a play a week and the fact that I am a slow reader and that the plays are in an 'alien language' are not helping me.

He then replied:

"Alaa takpa.. Tak sempat baca pun takpa. Carik je synopsis kat google, ape susah?"

I love my papa :D


Sincerely,
si sayang papa.

those moments when...

I become grumpy.

I find it hard to smile.

I become oversensitive. even a not-really-sad MV can make me cry. I can cry even for no reason.

I feel insecure.

I get angry easily.

I avoid talking to people.

I can be very needy.

I am just uninterested about everything.

I become hormonal and have mood swings.

I complain and rant a lot about petty things.

I can be very, very mean.

I look tensed all the time.

I get hungry easily.

I eat a lot.

I... the list can go on and on.

oh well, these are the moments when I have... er, you know, that time of the month.

I guess I have to try my best not to let it affects me so much. huhu.

Post Scriptum 1:

why is PMS Pre-Menstrual Syndrom? I mean, it's not like we're having those symptoms only before that time of the month. it's usually during that time, right?

Post Scriptum 2:

Do you think you will become moody during your time of the month if no one told you that you would?

what yesterday has taught me.

kuasa, scara mutlaknya, bukan terletak di tgn kita atau pada benda-benda lain.

kuasa itu hanya ada pada Dia.

SEMUANYA berlaku dgn izinNya.

hanya Dia saja.

panic attack!

you see, i'm having a panic attack since last week. the pre-third year panic attack, to be exact. im not mentally ready to go back to Plymouth and be sane in classes. no, not now, pleaseeee T_T


but the time is running up and i think i really need to start to face the reality: i'll be back in Marjon next week and this lovely holiday will end right away. in other words, i need to attend classes, do assignments assignments assignments, read booksss, visit schools, dissy-ing. scary lah third year nih. i can feel the aura of the intense workload coming already!

*hantukhantuk kepala kat dinding sbb takut*

boleh x jgn panik sgt, fatin?

Dear Mr. Blog

Sorry I have not been around much. In fact, at one point, I had even forgotten that I actually have you. Haha :D
So sorry keh? Thank God I don't have much followers lol.
Anyway Im back, dgn azam konon xnak lupekan anda suda. xnak biarkan anda berkulat suda. kononlah. I'll try my best kay.
I love u. Okbai.

Sincerely,
Your hangat-hangat-tahi-ayam owner.