hope i won't forget you.

a crowd.
the darkness.
the family.
the sisters.
the regret.
the stars.
that man.
falling stars.
the glass.
the cries.
the chaos.
the wait.
that escape.
"is this it?"
the end.

prioritizing...

is about doing what you need to do first,
then only the things that you want to do.
some people just need to learn that
and one of them is me.

not at rest.

my heart and my mind do not seem at rest today,
and i just don't know why.
a lot of thinking has been going on since i woke up.
about home,
the assignments,
things to be done,
the future,
the past,
my life,
others,
questions,
answers
and other things that are thinkable by my mind.
the thoughts become jumbled up
and are never-ending.
too much thinking isn't good and i know that,
like a Chinese proverb reads:
"do not cross the bridge until you reach it."
so i tried to do other things
i tried to distract myself
but they just don't steer clear from my mind.
O Allah, I seek refuge in You from anxiety.
Grant me peace of mind, O The Beneficent.



Post Scriptum: thank you (:

time flies.

how time flies
it was just like yesterday
since the day i first came here
now it seems like tomorrow
is my last day here.

how time flies
so little time left
i have to forget the things i want to do here
so little time left
yet i still have a long need-to-do list.

time flies
so fast
but it won't just stop running to wait for you
so it is you who have to chase him.


have to be productive,
the non-productive me.

bila rasa nak buat jahat.

hatiku mahu menjerit:

"hoi jgn wat jahat laa!

ni mesti kije syaithon ni kan?

syaithon, lari kau jauh jauh!

jangan kacau aku!"

tapi kemudian aku terfikir:

"syaithon mmg xkan lari.

dah mmg tu kerjanya.

kerja aku, jangan kalah dengan dia.

mungkin aku yg kena jd lebih kuat."


kan Allah sendiri dah cakap:

"Verily, Satan hath no power 
over those who believe and put trust in their Lord. 
His power is only over those who make a friend of him, 
and those who ascribe partners unto Him (Allah)." (16: 99-100)

kena jadi lagi kuat.

kena kukuhkan iman.

jangan jadikan dia kawan.

semoga makin kuat.

sad, isn't it?

my language is becoming poorer everyday.

my vocabulary is the opposite of widening.

my writing now becomes boring. really, really boring.

how can you be a good English teacher
if you yourself is insecure of your own language competency?

i regret choosing to stop writing after my foundation years.

and not making any effort to improve my language since.

boo you, fatin.

from now on, no matter how busy or lazy i am, i'll  always try to make time to read.

then to at least write something. just anything.

i believe daily reading won't be a problem much.

but daily writing is a tough aim.
so maybe weekly.

if i can't make it, then fortnightly.

if i still can't make it, then monthly.

if it's still so hard, then i have nothing more to say.

moga kau tabah

dear you,


innalillah..

i know
it won't be easy
for you and your family.

i know
i can't say i understand
'cos i've been nowhere near you.

i know
no words
may bring you comfort
nor can do you justice
in a situation like this.

but i also know
that He only tests those who He loves
He only tests those who can get through the tests
and that there is always rainbow after the rain
verily, with hardship, there is relief.

so i pray
that you'll be strong
and never lose hope
in your life
and in His plans.

and i pray
that you'll keep on standing
for Him, for yourself
and him whom you'll meet in the hereafter,
by His willing.

my prayers will always be with your dad, you and your family.

alfatihah to Allahyarham Mohd Fuad bin Ahmad.

Parlez-vous Français ?

i remembered last term (was it last term?)
we learned about bilingualism.
to be honest, i can't really remember what the module was about.
but i could still remember the feeling everytime i came across the word bilingualism at that time.

since i was this cute (teehee) little girl,
i had always wanted to learn foreign languages badly.
very badly.
yes, it is one of my dreams.
but up until now, i still haven't managed to have a go at it.

i did join an Arabic class during my dark-blue-pinafore years,
 but it was only for a month. it was like thousand years ago.
and we learned words that we barely use everyday.
so of course, i can barely remember any of them.

then i was excited when i was about to enter my secondary school
because i thought that i would finally have that chance,
since it is a boarding school.
but no, i didn't.
there was a subject for Arabic when i was in Form 1 and 2,
but as far as i can remember, it was more like introduction to Jawi than lessons about Arabic. so it was not that helpful.

and now, here. before i arrived here, i was like,
"this is it! my chance to learn foreign language is finally here!"
but again, for the thousandth time, i was disappointed.
there is no subject on foreign languages here.
however they did give me (false) hope
when they asked us to choose the foreign languages
that we would like to learn this year,
but there was no further news since then. *sigh*

so when we learned about bilingualism last term,
the drive to fulfill this dream comes attacking me again.
i really, really want to fulfill this desire -
to learn foreign language(s).
i had even google-ed some online foreign language classes.
yes, that's how desperate i was.
i even have a long list
of foreign languages that i would like to learn.
first is Arabic, followed by French and Chinese (maybe Mandarin).
next is Spanish, then Japanese.
okay. maybe only Arabic and French.
or Arabic and Spanish. or just all of them. haha!
ok i know that this is a very long list
and it is nearly impossible and unrealistic to be competent in all.
but you should also know that it's really hard to choose only one
when you had always wanted to learn foreign languages.

so then i thought that once im back in Malaysia,
i will carry on with this plan no matter what it takes, by God's willing.
maybe after i start working.
it won't be easy, i know.
but i really want to go through that experience -
the joy and the pain of learning foreign language.
so please pray for me, yar?


Post Scriptum:
isn't this the most beautiful thing alive?
oui,  im talking about him speaking french. oh so beautiful!

learn French fast, Fatin. so u can flirt with him.

erkk?? nawaitu sudah lari nih! :P

ya Allah

i wish i can be back home too )':

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

give me strength ya Allah

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

pls make me realise that crying

won't change anything ya Allah

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

don't ever let me stop praying

to You ya Allah

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

have mercy on us ya Allah

ya Allah

i really wanna be home now )':

but the condition doesn't let me to.

maybe this is the best for me.

yes He knows best.

p/s: smoga Allah melindungi keluargamu, dan keluargaku juga. amin...

the rocks.

dear myself and all who matters,


when you thought that you reached the mountain top

the smiling birds are your only companies

and the ground was silky satin,

rocks came and hit you hard.

they flew out of nowhere, along with fiery dust

chasing you and your jelly bones

till you tripped and you fell and you twisted
leaving you scared and scarred.

and the rocks
were still after you.

you turned to the silky satin for cover

but you forgot it was no longer yours

the coarse rug is all that there was

scratching your frame with blades of pain.

and the rocks

were still after you.

the great mountain collapsed into black sand

sucking you in with its every breath

dragging you drown and hugging you tightly

pinning your heart till it begged to explode.

and the rocks

were still after you.

you shivered in fear

screamed in pain

cried in agony

whimpered in terror

until you're finally paralyzed.

but the rocks

oh yes, the rocks

they were still after you.

you finally stopped running

because you no longer could

and you closed your eyes

because that was all you could.

you looked at the dark sky

finally reaching for dear hope

and whispered to your soul

searching for dear strength.

the rocks

were still hurting you

the silky satin

was still long gone

the mountain top

was still not visible

but at least

at least you knew

you still lived.