Losing my identity

Goodbye forever now.
You will always be missed dearly.

Gigi berterabur no more.

the best one always does

many think

no one really listens.

truth is

they may forget:

how can one

when we give him no ears?

when labels are not only for products.

the sIn in question is the one that happens everywhere.
the only question is jusT whether you are aware of its size or not.
if you have a pretty visual memory, you might realise that it has already been all around you since the day you were born. it is what makes you think that all Muslims are terrorists, all the daughters and sons of rich datins are spoilt brats while all men that wear serban are kolot.

i used to be one of tHem sinners too.
when i was a kid, i used to think that all bald men are bad guys whose favoUrite pastime is to kidnap girls.
when i was a bit oldeR, i looked at the women who wear very short skirts and thought that they are gold diggers. you know, the type thaT your nosy neighbours gossip about having sugar daddies.
today, i might still be one of them without me truly realising it. aStaghfirullah...
but now that i'm known as a future English teacher who had just came back from what people as "tempat mat saleh," i also understand better how it feels like when you are one that is being sinned against.

people have been asking me and my friends that annoying qUestion "ni ingat bahasa melayu lagi tak?"
and then there's the head-to-toe stare of disguSt.
there's also the hurtful accusation, "ni lah contoh orang tak kuat jati diri ni, dok agungkan bahasa asing je ye, girl"
and even a question of "kamu tahu sembahyang ka? mesti tak pernah sembahyang kan ni?"
all of which me and my friends tried hard to shoo away by awkward friendly smiles and light head shakes or merely blank stares down to the floor.

which leads me to think,
what is it about mat sallehs really that makeS people think that ALL of them are bad guys bringing bad influences tO others?
what is it about the speakers of English that makes people think that ALL of them lupa diri and do not practise their beliefs?
what is it about rich faMilies that makes people think that they are ALL mean and downright self-centred?
what is it aboUt people that makes they think ALL Muslims are terrorists?

and so, the big question arises:
"what is it about humans that makes them opt to do this sin?"

having an experienCe of being in an environment where the majority is mat sallehs allows me to see for myself that not all of tHem are as what we thought they all are. not each and everyone of them live their days by the hedonistic belief - sleep all day, party all night. you know, the one which we call 'budaya kuning' in short. and even if some of them still are, i could still see that most of them are no worse than most of us - they still have their own faithS which they hold on to, morals which they live by, values which they believe in and responsibilities which they try tO fulfill everyday. and even if some of them really are what we thought they are, we should not forget that we are in no way so much better than they are. we actually do not have to look that far to see that 'budaya kuning' has been around some of us all along, here on our green grass. and this eventually taught me that not all bald are kidnaPpers and wearing very short skirts do not necessarily make one a pisau cukur.

i guess the point that i'm trying to make is that we seem to love putting labeLs on other people so much till a day comes when we start defining everyone by the labels that we gave thEm, not by what they really have to offer, not by who they really are. the labels make us forgot that we are not all blAck and all white. although some of us may seem identical, sometimes we have to remember some may be white while otherS might be black, red or even blue. some might be colourless, some might even hide their true colours whilE others even wear different colourS every minute.

whatever colours thaT there are, dOn't let the labels blind you.
better yet, straP off the labels altogether.
at least, we'll have one less sin in the world.

hypothesis orang gila

ever watched movies with a psychotic character in it?
if you are aware of it (of course you are), most of the times, the psychotic characters would usually be the last one to die.
it would take many body-kicking and stabbings before they are knocked down onto the ground, and after all that, sometimes they still manage to get up and ghostly chase after their victim(s).
only when your fingernails has grown a good two inches that it finally hits the big final scene and the psycho is officially dead...
or is just out of sight, again.

ever wondered why is it so?
firstly, of course, to make the movie duration lengthier and to make us bite our long-grown nails and scream more.
but i've asked google, and he said this thing really happens in the world.
"though some may be fearful, psychopaths do appear to be sang-froid and have higher pain threshold than normals."
worst case scenario, they may even enjoy the pain.

so i have this hypothesis.
psychotic people, being what they are, are unable to distinguish between "what's real" and "what's not".
and this has enabled them to think and act beyond rationality - they can develop a denial of pain inflicted on them, especially when they have a solid reason to stay alive.
clinical researches reveal that although feeling pain is a biological process, the brain's perception of the pain and one's emotions can moderate or intensify it.
so, eventhough the psychos' nerves shout "THIS IS PAINFUL!!!", their irrational thinking makes nothing can kill them that easily.
as long as they're still not dead, they are 'invincible.'

here's a valuable lesson we can learn from them.
no, I'm not asking you to be one of them,
but be like them.
they have proved that our brains have the capability to make us stronger than we really are, so why not make a good use of it?
in doing anything, have your mind (and heart) over matters.
once you have a really strong desire and determination, you'll be able to do anything you want, by God's will.
be psycho-like irrational, in a good sense, so that not even a big tornado can easily bring you down.
don't ever give up too easily and say "I can't stand this anymore,"
or else, you'll disappoint yourself before time, before you should even be disappointed.
get up after every tears and pitfalls until the day you die.
remember, we can be stronger than we really are, so don't settle for the least, thinking that you are weak.
If they can, why can't you?

pointless post

cakap frequent visits await.
tp habuk pun tarak.
otak bercelaru sikit.
byk sgt benda fikir
tp xtaw apa benda.
too much negativity faced here
sampai sakit otak.
friends are the only ones that make me smile.
oh i miss UK.
and maikel roishin katy.
nak cepatcepat balek rumah.

see, haven't i told you this is a pointless post?

frequent visits await.

because i need to start writing again.

because i have so much to talk about.

hope i won't forget you.

a crowd.
the darkness.
the family.
the sisters.
the regret.
the stars.
that man.
falling stars.
the glass.
the cries.
the chaos.
the wait.
that escape.
"is this it?"
the end.

prioritizing...

is about doing what you need to do first,
then only the things that you want to do.
some people just need to learn that
and one of them is me.

not at rest.

my heart and my mind do not seem at rest today,
and i just don't know why.
a lot of thinking has been going on since i woke up.
about home,
the assignments,
things to be done,
the future,
the past,
my life,
others,
questions,
answers
and other things that are thinkable by my mind.
the thoughts become jumbled up
and are never-ending.
too much thinking isn't good and i know that,
like a Chinese proverb reads:
"do not cross the bridge until you reach it."
so i tried to do other things
i tried to distract myself
but they just don't steer clear from my mind.
O Allah, I seek refuge in You from anxiety.
Grant me peace of mind, O The Beneficent.



Post Scriptum: thank you (:

time flies.

how time flies
it was just like yesterday
since the day i first came here
now it seems like tomorrow
is my last day here.

how time flies
so little time left
i have to forget the things i want to do here
so little time left
yet i still have a long need-to-do list.

time flies
so fast
but it won't just stop running to wait for you
so it is you who have to chase him.


have to be productive,
the non-productive me.